Did you know that parents of teens can settle down in front of the TV and instead of watching West Wing, tune into whatever their kids have been doing? I learned this when the Toronto Star ran an article about Spy gadgets for monitoring kids and CBC Newsworld called me to ask what I thought of such an idea.
My first thought was, “You have to be kidding. Parents actually spying on their kids.“ How, I wonder, does it work?
Imagine Sally and Jim Berry, the parents of teenagers. In the evening, they plug a tape into their TV set and are mesmerized as they watch their son, Jason, and his friends discuss the girls from school. They learn that Sheila is really hot and rumour has it that Claire will ‘do it’.
Jason’s parents look at each other in horror. What kind of conversation is this for their little boy to be having and what should they do about it? Well actually, when he’s being honest, Jim remembers just such conversations from his own boyhood and he recalls that they were mainly bravado and puff. Not based in any reality.
What about Jason’s sister, Elizabeth? She spent her after-school time on the Internet chatting with her friends. Unknown to her, all her messages were automatically forwarded to her parents. This afternoon the girls were involved in a long conversation about the size of another girl’s breasts and whether she had had surgery.
I guess that’s how it’s supposed to work. By using the latest in affordable and accessible spy equipment parents can monitor their child’s every move. This stuff is being sold in specialized retail stores and on the Internet. For example, there are cameras as small as a thumbprint that can be easily placed in furniture, on shelves or in the ceiling. There is all manner of Internet surveillance equipment that will secretly forward everything your kids are doing on the Internet. This can include sites visited, chat rooms and emails.
The question is; if parents spy on their kids to find out what they’re doing, is this quality parenting?
The short answer is no. Just because we have the technology doesn’t mean we should use it.
It’s about the relationship we have developed with our children. The minute they know that we are spying on them it’s over. They may withdraw, become angrier or sneakier. What they won’t do is feel open, friendly or positive about their relationship with us.
Do you want to spend all your time watching videos of your teens and reading emails from teens bragging and fantasizing, or do you want to spend that time with your kids?
If you are concerned about Internet use you can buy some of the software designed to block dangerous sites. But do it ahead of time and make sure the kids know what you are doing and why. And, put the computer in a public area of the house. That’s not spying because being on-line in a public space automatically means that the kids know that you can see what they’re doing.
Spying is secret and shows a lack of trust. Parenting is about our relationship with our children. When we spy and they catch us, the relationship is shot. They may withdraw, become angry or sneakier. Kids of all ages most often meet or exceed our expectations. Spying gives them a clear message that we expect that they are misbehaving, so they will meet our expected standards and behave in exactly the ways we fear.
But, you say, they won’t know. Odds are, they will. For starters visit the websites about all this handy dandy spy equipment and you will discover an equal number of affordable bug detectors. And being that our kids are more technologically advanced that we are, they will know to check. I can just see Jason, Elizabeth and their friends buying a bug detector and having a great time sweeping each other’s homes to discover the presence of spy equipment planted by their parents.
Once they know that you are watching or monitoring they may just give you something really worth seeing. Heavens, I would have done so at their age. Face it, mature as we are, haven’t you ever stuck out your tongue or waved at the camera watching you at the ATM machine?
We can’t guarantee that our teens will never take risks or make mistakes. It’s easier to guarantee that they will.
But, we can raise them to be sensible about assessing risk, about having some problem-solving skills. We can develop a strong relationship so that they will talk to us when they have problems and need some advice and direction.
Teens need parenting and spying is not parenting, it’s – well, spying.
Do You Know What Your Teens Are Doing?
Did you know that parents of teens can settle down in front of the TV and instead of watching West Wing, tune into whatever their kids have been doing? I learned this when the Toronto Star ran an article about Spy gadgets for monitoring kids and CBC Newsworld called me to ask what I thought of such an idea.
My first thought was, “You have to be kidding. Parents actually spying on their kids.“ How, I wonder, does it work?
Imagine Sally and Jim Berry, the parents of teenagers. In the evening, they plug a tape into their TV set and are mesmerized as they watch their son, Jason, and his friends discuss the girls from school. They learn that Sheila is really hot and rumour has it that Claire will ‘do it’.
Jason’s parents look at each other in horror. What kind of conversation is this for their little boy to be having and what should they do about it? Well actually, when he’s being honest, Jim remembers just such conversations from his own boyhood and he recalls that they were mainly bravado and puff. Not based in any reality.
What about Jason’s sister, Elizabeth? She spent her after-school time on the Internet chatting with her friends. Unknown to her, all her messages were automatically forwarded to her parents. This afternoon the girls were involved in a long conversation about the size of another girl’s breasts and whether she had had surgery.
I guess that’s how it’s supposed to work. By using the latest in affordable and accessible spy equipment parents can monitor their child’s every move. This stuff is being sold in specialized retail stores and on the Internet. For example, there are cameras as small as a thumbprint that can be easily placed in furniture, on shelves or in the ceiling. There is all manner of Internet surveillance equipment that will secretly forward everything your kids are doing on the Internet. This can include sites visited, chat rooms and emails.
The question is; if parents spy on their kids to find out what they’re doing, is this quality parenting?
The short answer is no. Just because we have the technology doesn’t mean we should use it.
It’s about the relationship we have developed with our children. The minute they know that we are spying on them it’s over. They may withdraw, become angrier or sneakier. What they won’t do is feel open, friendly or positive about their relationship with us.
Do you want to spend all your time watching videos of your teens and reading emails from teens bragging and fantasizing, or do you want to spend that time with your kids?
If you are concerned about Internet use you can buy some of the software designed to block dangerous sites. But do it ahead of time and make sure the kids know what you are doing and why. And, put the computer in a public area of the house. That’s not spying because being on-line in a public space automatically means that the kids know that you can see what they’re doing.
Spying is secret and shows a lack of trust. Parenting is about our relationship with our children. When we spy and they catch us, the relationship is shot. They may withdraw, become angry or sneakier. Kids of all ages most often meet or exceed our expectations. Spying gives them a clear message that we expect that they are misbehaving, so they will meet our expected standards and behave in exactly the ways we fear.
But, you say, they won’t know. Odds are, they will. For starters visit the websites about all this handy dandy spy equipment and you will discover an equal number of affordable bug detectors. And being that our kids are more technologically advanced that we are, they will know to check. I can just see Jason, Elizabeth and their friends buying a bug detector and having a great time sweeping each other’s homes to discover the presence of spy equipment planted by their parents.
Once they know that you are watching or monitoring they may just give you something really worth seeing. Heavens, I would have done so at their age. Face it, mature as we are, haven’t you ever stuck out your tongue or waved at the camera watching you at the ATM machine?
We can’t guarantee that our teens will never take risks or make mistakes. It’s easier to guarantee that they will.
But, we can raise them to be sensible about assessing risk, about having some problem-solving skills. We can develop a strong relationship so that they will talk to us when they have problems and need some advice and direction.
Teens need parenting and spying is not parenting, it’s – well, spying.
