The beauty of parenting workshops is that the practical, useful and down-to-earth information stays with parents. I have often heard from parents months and years after a workshop. They will let me know how the workshop shaped their parenting practices. I recently received an email that just made my day and I want to share it with you.

“Twenty-two years ago I attended one of your parenting presentations in White Rock. You made a huge impact on me that night and I left feeling that I wasn’t such a bad parent after all. You gave me strength to continue the way I was parenting despite the trend to do differently. I now have two adult children who are teachers and have great compassionate hearts. I am enjoying reading your column in the local paper.

The advice that stuck with me that night was to let my children make choices as long as they are guided in their options. After that evening I really listened to my son about his wish, at 13, to get his ear pierced and he got it done. I had never seen him happier thank you for your common sense words of wisdom.”

So, let’s talk about choices in this newsletter.

Parenting Today not only offers this newsletter. We have two books in print or digital format and 3 audio books on the website, and I am always keen to speak at your workplace, at your conference or at your professional development event. As you can see, the information parents receive will stay with them for a long time.

And now. What about offering kids choices?

Offer your children choices

Offering your children choices is a very effective and worthwhile way to allow them to get involved in decision-making and have them feel some ownership of and control over their own behavior.

This is one of the most effective skills a parent can develop but is also fraught with problems and misunderstandings.

Here are the basics:

• Never offer a child a choice when health or safety are at risk. “You can cross the street with me or figure it out on your own.” Obviously impossible.

• Once a choice has been offered allow only a reasonable length of time for the child to decide. We all know that children can procrastinate on the choice between an apple or an orange for an incredibly long time.

• Don’t offer a child a choice that will seriously inconvenience other people. “You can sleep wherever you want.” Unless you are prepared to turn any part of your home into a bedroom, offer instead the choice of red pyjamas or yellow pyjamas.

• Language is everything. “If you don’t eat your dinner you can’t have anything until morning and then you’ll be hungry,” is a threat and lecture all in one. Try to avoid using “if” as that connotes a threat and can easily develop into a power struggle. Instead offer a real choice and allow the child to figure out the consequences; “You have a choice; you can either eat your dinner now or you can wait until the next meal.” Or “You have a choice, you can eat your dinner now or for bedtime snack.” By using this option the child is still waiting until the next regular eating time and is eating the nutritionally sound meal rather than a traditionally less valuable snack option.

• Rarely offer an open choice. “You can eat whatever you want for meals.” Do you really want her living on crackers? As a matter of fact this is ignoring your responsibility to help your child to eat a nutritionally well-balanced diet. (If a child doesn’t eat much, it is important that what she eats be worthwhile.)

• Never offer a choice that is an empty threat. There are times when you must become involved with the decisions your children make. In other words, there are times when misbehavior is not one of the choices and you must be prepared to remove the child from the situation For example, when visiting the child needs to understand that appropriate behavior is a pre-requisite to remaining. The choice is, “You can change your behavior and stay or we can go home.” Only use when you are prepared to leave and understand you may have a responsibility to leave a good party in order to help you child handle social situations in the future.

• Choices need to be offered within the context of house rules, safety and health. There are some choices children cannot have and some that they can. The trick is to recognize the difference, maintain our responsibilities as parents and allow our children choices in all appropriate situations.

Have you had a good experience offering choices? Do you have a question about choices? Reply below.  We would love to hear from you.

Today, Tuesday April 24 is World Meningitis Day.  I am putting out this special edition of the newsletter because it is important that you know about this disease.

Please take the time to read this article I have for your information and make sure to visit the website, www.meninfo.ca

What is Meningitis and

Why Should I Know About It?

In recent months, terrible meningitis cases have been reported in Ontario and British Columbia.  Meningitis is a serious disease that still affects Canadian children – primarily babies under one year of age and adolescents.

Meningococcal disease manifests as bacterial infection caused by a germ or bacteria, and is an infection of the lining that covers the brain.  Of those who develop meningitis, 1 in 4 will die within 48 hours and half of them are younger than five years of age.

Most don’t know that bacterial meningitis can be spread through simple contact like sharing toys or water bottles, as easily as a cold or flu? A shocking 1 in 5 Canadian teenagers are healthy carriers of the germs that cause meningitis.

There are five main strains of bacterial meningitis – strains A, C,Y,W-135 and B.   There is a standard vaccine your child can receive to protect against meningitis C. There is a second vaccine that protects against A/C/Y/W-135.  To date, there is still no vaccination against meningitis B.

The concerns surrounding meningitis are two-fold. The symptoms mimic a serious case of the flu and progress extremely quickly.

The symptoms include headache, fever and a stiff neck. Other symptoms may include nausea, vomiting, sensitivity to bright light, confusion and a purplish skin rash.

Babies under one year of age will be off their feed, have blotchy skin, a shrill or high pitched cry, a temperature and not be relating to you.

You can protect your children by learning more about the disease and symptoms, getting treatment quickly if your child becomes ill and ensuring that your child is vaccinated against the disease.

Trust your instincts and if you feel there is a problem, seek immediate medical attention. For more information on meningitis, including the signs and symptom and how you can protect your children, visit this resource – www.meninfo.ca.

Tuesday, April 24 is World Meningitis Day.

Power struggles with kids are exhausting and discouraging. We hate them and want to avoid them. And we can. When we learn how to handle them and when we have a clear and respectful discipline plan in place, your kids just won’t see the need to challenge you. Give it a try, it works. And check out today’s article.I am often asked when will I be in your community. You want to share expenses with other local clients to save on travel expenses. Well, when I will be traveling it is mentioned here, in the newsletter but an even more immediate place to go is twitter. You can follow my activities on twitter.

When the weather improves do you find yourself sitting out in the sun and reading a good book? Whether you like print or digital books, Parenting Today has two great resources for parents of children of all ages.

How to Handle Power Struggles.

“You can’t make me!” We hear these words from our child and wonder what to do next.

Get out of power struggles. That’s what the books, the courses and experts all say. Unfortunately, they don’t always tell you how.

What is a power struggle? A power struggle exists in a conflict when the issue becomes winning and each party to the conflict is focused only on that. Each person stands his ground, unwilling to budge, and tries to force the other to move. In a power struggle the real issue gets lost in the need to win. Power struggles often end in stalemates. Even when they don’t, no one really wins because the relationship suffers so badly. A parent may “win” power struggles with a child because she can physically move him. He’ll either submit and know that he’s a loser or decide that although his parents can pick him up, they can’t control his thoughts. He’ll say or think; “Just wait until I’m bigger.”

If the parent’s goal is the short-term one of changing the behavior immediately, she’ll define herself as a winner.

But the long-term goals — directing and teaching the child about acceptable behavior, helping him to have high self-esteem and to be independent, building a strong relationship between parent and child — those will all suffer.

Then there is the lazy way. Avoid dealing with the situation and simply give up. This is a trap created by misinterpreting the advice to stay out of power struggles. Staying out of a power struggle does not mean ignoring the behavior and allowing the child to continue doing whatever she wants. It means breaking the tension, changing the focus. It means changing your own motivation from needing to win (“I’ll show this kid! If he thinks he can do this to me. …”) to your larger discipline goals (“This is not acceptable behavior; Jeffrey needs to learn that when he acts in that way he can’t participate in family activities”).

How?

The more your family has developed a positive approach to discipline, the less likely you are to be dealing with power struggles. However, that doesn’t make you immune and at certain times conflict will escalate and you will find yourself embroiled almost before you know it. You will know you are in a power struggle when all you can think about is winning. If you want to deal with the issue and try to salvage the self-esteem of both your child and yourself, you will first have to break the struggle and refocus.

The best way to do that is to physically separate — even for a minute. A trip to the bathroom is a beautiful way to accomplish this. You can leave the scene and return without losing face or giving in. But the break does give everyone a chance to regroup and a new and more positive approach can be tried when you return. (This is equally effective when engaged in a power struggle with another adult.)

Sometimes a bit of exercise helps: “I think we need to clear our heads. I’m going for a walk around the block, then we can continue this discussion.”

You can also suggest a time-out: “Look, we’re getting nowhere right now. Let’s discuss this after supper.”

Let’s look at how this might play out in real life. It’s time for Janelle to go to bed. You’ve asked her to put on her pyjamas and she refuses. You reach to grab her and force her into her PJs; she is sitting firmly on the bed determined to stay in her clothes. You are face to face, heading for a real confrontation, when suddenly the phone rings. You leave the room to answer it and your conversation with a friend allows you to calm down. Now you are able to return to Janelle’s room and handle the pyjama issue with some maturity.

It is likely that the mere action of your leaving the room allowed Janelle to get ready for bed without losing face. After all, sitting all alone on the bed being stubborn can get boring in a real hurry. In that case, you can be matter-of-fact as you kiss her good night. If she is still dressed you can say something like; “It’s bedtime. Do you want to wear your clothes or your pyjamas?” or “I know you can get into your pyjamas now so why don’t I just tidy the bathroom while you get ready for bed.”

Remember, staying out of power struggles doesn’t mean ignoring your child’s misbehavior. It doesn’t mean letting him do whatever he wants and it doesn’t mean standing by helpless in the face of his decisions.

It means re-focusing, re-directing and dealing with the issue. It means working toward a solution to the problem, not winning.

And in this way everyone wins. But, it’s hard work!

CAPS Vancouver celebrates 15 years of  “Being better together” to advance the profession of public speaking as part of April’s National Volunteer Month

On April 14, 8:30-12:30, Granville Island Hotel, CAPS Vancouver will come full circle to their roots, with guest speaker Jeff Mowatt, who was the very first speaker at the chapter launch 15 years ago in 1997. Jeff Mowatt, CSP, Customer service strategist and Certified Professional Speaker, will share what he has learned from 20 years in the speaking industry. Now speaking professionally around the globe, Jeff has modeled the way for growing a speaking business.



Following Jeff’s presentation, and the obligatory anniversary cake, CAPS National President, and Vancouver Chapter member David Gouthro, CSP, will MC an interactive Q & A panel with past presidents of CAPS Vancouver. Quite simply, never before has so much experience and local knowledge of the speaking industry been in one room and readily accessible for queries and questions.

David Gouthro, as CAPS National President has branded 2012 the year of “Better together,” a well-suited celebration theme for 15 years of volunteerism to advance the profession of public speaking. Reached for comment David remarked, “As an association we are all volunteers actively assisting our colleagues to advance their business. We all give our time and give back. The spirit of CAPS is based on strong volunteerism. We are truly, better together.”

While volunteerism is the backbone of many professional groups, CAPS is built solely on the sharing premise. As a group CAPS Vancouver truly represents the values we celebrate during April’s National Volunteer Month.

The Canadian Association of Professional Speakers (CAPS) is an association that represents keynoter speakers, trainers and facilitators who speak professionally. With 10 chapters across Canada, the Vancouver Chapter was launch in April 1997. The purpose of CAPS is to provide a community for Canadian profession speakers where they can learn from each other and develop their speaking business while maintaining industry code of ethics.

For additional information, contact:

Kathy Lynn, CAPS Vancouver President
604-258-9074
kathy@parentingtoday.ca

And it’s when we often purchase a new house. How can you make that process, including moving day bearable? I have some ideas and would love to hear from you. What has been your moving experience? What worked well for your family?

Moving Plan

One of the signs of Spring is the For Sale signs that start popping up around the neighbourhood. If you are moving, you know it’s exciting but let’s face it, it’s also challenging. Most parents wish they could somehow put their kids on hold while they try to keep the house perfectly clean to be sold and while they organize, sort and pack the accumulated paraphernalia of their life in the current house.

What can you do to make the whole process easier on you and the kids? The decision to move must be made by the adults, but the kids need to be kept in the loop. After all, they’re moving too.

So, tell them why you’re moving. Is it more space? A new job? They’ll want all the details such as where they’re going to sleep, whether they can bring their toys and whether their new neighbourhood has a McDonalds. Involve them in preparing the house to be shown and encourage the realtor to recognize their help. The more they’re part of the process, the more easily they’ll accept the change.

Bring the children with you to visit any houses you have determined are good possibilities. With younger kids only show them the house you have bought so they can start to imagine living there. With older kids, you can show them a few that are on your short list and listen to their comments. They will have considerations that are different from yours and could be pertinent.

When you involve the kids they have some control over the upcoming change and become part of the process. As a bonus, some of this positive and creative energy will pass on to you.

You have everything packed and ready to go. What are some things you can do to make this stressful time easier for you and your children?

• If you’re moving a distance, arrange a going-away party. They need to say good-bye to their friends in a structured way.

• Make sure you have the addresses (including email) of their closest friends so they can keep in touch if they wish.

• Have children help with the packing. Even little ones can bring you unbreakable belongings such as books or pots and pans for you to place in a box.

• Make sure they each get to have a backpack for their treasures. They need to know that their favourite things are safe and the best way to do that is let them have them in their own packs.

• On Moving Day younger children should be elsewhere with friends or a sitter. If they really want to watch, arrange for a sitter to be with them while they watch their belongings go into the truck. This sitter can also take them elsewhere when they get bored.

• Older children can be helping. They can help with the last-minute packing, making sandwiches for the movers and yourselves or doing the vacuuming after a room is cleared. Make it a family move, rather than an adult event and everyone will benefit.

Moving will be hard work but it can easily be worthwhile, exciting and ultimately successful.

Today, our kids are reading and watching Hunger Games which is all about kids killing kids.

The big difference is that the young people carrying out school and college killing sprees have a reason for their actions. They are seeking revenge for how they have been treated; they are responding to repeated bullying; they are reacting to being denied admittance to a program or a social group. They may be mentally ill. But, while it all seems incomprehensible, at some level, there is a reason.

In Hunger Games the killing is a state determined and sanctioned game. The kids, who are chosen at random to kill or be killed, have no reason to do so except that these are the rules of the game. If they want to live, they need to kill. The society consists of twelve districts and one boy and one girl are chosen from each so there will be 24 kids in the arena. Katniss is from District 12 and her male counterpart is Peeta Mellark.

The randomness of the choices is upsetting. No teen in this book is free from the possibility of being chosen to play the game. There can be no sense of safety or security in this society. Even after they reach their 18^th birthday, they may see their younger sibling or neighbour chosen to participate.

And speaking of safety and security another aspect of Katniss’s life is that since she was 14 she has been the family caregiver.

The games are live entertainment for the masses. A truly horrifying reality show. As such, there are strategies the youth are taught to use in order to live and in order to be popular with their audience. Being popular can mean receiving gifts that will enhance their ability to win.

So, Katniss and Peeta are counseled to appear romantically inclined. Their romance becomes part of the show. Peeta is actually interested in Katniss and has been for years. Katniss is conflicted about the relationship but plays the game.

She is being taught to use her sexuality to manipulate the outcome of the game in her favour. And later, when it becomes convenient to deny to romance she does so without even being aware that she is hurting her friend Peeta.

Are these themes we want out teens emulating? Do we want to see them texting and chatting about the ins and outs of kids killing kids?

At the very least, if your teens are reading these books and going to the movies, talk to them about the themes. Listen to them. What are they learning from this entertainment

Kids killing kids is devastating. The idea of kids killing kids for sport with no reason whatsoever is appalling.

Let’s pay attention to what our kids are reading, watching and talking about.

For those who want to take advantage of my travels to hold a workshop or event when I’m in their town here’s the plan for the next little while. I am going to Ottawa in May, very possibly to Calgary in the late spring or early summer. I will be in Washington state and Oregon in August and Winnipeg in December. If you have an event around these times and would like to take advantage of my travels please contact me. I’d love to work with you.

What’s for dinner?

Ever find yourself standing in front of the refrigerator trying to figure out what to serve for dinner? Of course you have. Maybe every day.

Want someone else to make the decision? I know I’ve often felt that it’s not the cooking I mind; it’s the planning.

The answer?

Get your kids in on the act. Most kids see cooking as fun rather than work. So let them play. And before they know it they’ll be cooking great meals while you relax.

Cooking is one of those chores we often forget when we think about getting kids involved in helping out around the house.  We ask them to take out the garbage, set the table, load the dishwasher and even help put away groceries.  All jobs that need doing, but not much fun and certainly not creative.

Preparing tasty and nutritious meals is a skill they will need when they are ready to head off on their own.  The earlier they start, the better they will do.  And while they are still at home, you are the beneficiary.

To start, create a kid-friendly work area. It might be easier for them to work at the kitchen table than at the counter. If they are working at the counter make sure they have a sturdy chair or stool to stand on.

Then teach them the fundamentals. They need to learn how to measure, how to mix wet and dry and how to sauté.

Even toddlers can get involved.  Okay, I know this will not speed up the process but if they’re working with you in the kitchen they’re not bugging you to try to get your attention.  Little ones can stir dry ingredients, tear lettuce and fetch things.  Give them jobs that are safe and short-term.  For example, you can send a child across the room to get a can of soup from a lower cupboard.  He does the job and he’s finished – good job!  If he is still keen he can do another job and so on for as long as he’s willing.   When we give toddlers jobs that are simple and take only a few minutes we can expect that they will finish the task but aren’t asking for a commitment that a young child just can’t yet make.

Preschoolers can have a say in the menu.  Start by offering choices.  Do you want chicken or pork chops tonight?  We can barbeque the chops or cook them in the oven, which would you prefer? They will want to know the differences between cooking them each way and you can take the opportunity to be teaching them about different foods and different preparation methods.

As they get older and more experienced you can let them plan and prepare meals. At first you will work together in both the planning and preparation but before you know it, your child will be able to put a simple meal on the table.  It’s a break for you and your little chef will be so proud of himself.

Give them a crash course in nutrition. Let them know that they need to plan meals that include foods from a variety of food groups. I remember telling our kids that a salad had to have more than just carrots. They loved carrots.

There are good cookbooks available for kids. Once they’re old enough to read, go through them and choose ones appropriate for their age and that fit with how your family likes to eat.

It’s also fun to teach each of your children how to prepare a dish that is a family favourite.  So that child becomes the expert at that dish and every time you are going to serve it, she is called to do the job.

Helping in the kitchen has many benefits.  First, they want your attention while you’re trying to prepare meals so you may as well have them working with you getting your attention and developing an important skill at the same time.  They are learning about nutrition and about making choices and planning.  And, their self-esteem is getting a healthy boost.  If we sit down to a meal that was prepared by ten-year-old Melissa, she is going to feel terrific about herself.  If we have a cake for desert and three-year-old Juan stirred the ingredients, he will know that he had an important role to play in providing this cake that everyone is enjoying.

Make meal preparation a family affair.  Then kick back and let someone else plan and cook your dinner.

My last newsletter elicited some great responses from readers who are more technology savvy than I. If you want to see more about how absent parents can connect, go to the blog page on my site.

For those who want to take advantage of my travels to hold a workshop or event when I’m in their town here’s the plan for the next little while. I am going to Ottawa in May, very possibly to Calgary in the late spring or early summer. I will be in Washington state and Oregon in August and Winnipeg in December. If you have an event around these times and would like to take advantage of my travels please contact me. I’d love to work with you.

I have just returned from a relaxing vacation visiting my brother and sister-in-law so I’m feeling mellow and relaxed. The following article is the result.

Laughter in the Home

At dinnertime, fourteen year-old Lucas, his four year-old cousin Cathy and his parents were enjoying their meal.  Cathy was visiting with them for the weekend.  At the conclusion of dinner, Lucas solemnly shook out his cloth serviette and placed it on his head.  Cathy watched with eyes as big as saucers while Lucas explained that this was the way to indicate you were finished eating.  So she put her serviette on her head as well.

What’s the appropriate parent response to such behavior?  What would you do?  Should you focus on the bad role modeling from the older cousin?  What about a lecture on table manners?  Or maybe the concern should be about whether the serviette is dirty and now their hair needs washing?  Is this a discipline issue, a respect issue or a manners issue?

The parents in question didn’t hesitate.  They each put their serviettes on their heads and proceeded to clear the table.  Ten years later this story still elicits a laugh from the family.

The issue wasn’t manners, respect or role modeling.  It was silliness, plain and simple.  And silliness has an important role to play in parenting.

Silliness

Parenting is an important and serious job.  But, fun, humour and laughter are important to the growth of strong family ties.  Parenting is based on the relationship between parents and children.  When they can have fun together, be silly together and lose it together the relationship is strong.

Sometimes we are afraid that if we are silly with our kids we will lose their respect.  But, the opposite is the case.  When our kids see us play and have fun with them it enhances the connection and the stronger the relationship we have, the healthier the respect.

Time is another issue.  Today, we’re all so busy.  We’re rushing from one activity to another, from work to daycare to home.  We just want to get everything done and fooling around just isn’t on the list of things to do.

But fooling around makes it all possible.  The joy of rolling around on the floor giggling with a toddler, laughing at those impossibly pointless and stupid jokes from our preschoolers or enjoying outrageous responses from our school-aged children make it all fun.  Suddenly, what we need to get done doesn’t matter so much.  We’re simply enjoying each other.

What’s a parent to do?

In the serviette story Lucas’s parents chose to join in on the silliness.  When children are just being silly, parents can join in, or relax and let them go.  We underestimate our children when we assume that because we can be silly and laugh with our kids, they learn they can do whatever they want.  Children quickly learn that different situations require different responses.

For example, if Lucas’s straight-laced grandparents had also been present at dinner he would have behaved in a much different manner.  Children can be flexible.  After all, they behave in much different ways at pre-school and when they’re visiting their friends.

Take a look at the most stressful time of your day.  Is it mealtime?  Then what about having a silly meal?  Start with dessert or put utensils in a bag and allow each child to choose only one, and then serve spaghetti and pudding.  Is it mornings?  If so, you can lighten up by playing rousing music.  Imagine your children’s shock if they’re roused by the 1812 Overture rather than your nagging.

Silliness and fun aren’t always the answer.  But having fun and laughing will reduce family stress and improve relationships.  Family jokes make for strong connections.   Good jokes can cause laughter for years. All a family member has to say is, “remember the Christmas tree of 1988?” Every year that old story causes renewed laughter.

Relax, save the serious responses for the serious issues.  Parenting can also be fun, if you let it.

Ashleigh Denton is a writer who sent me a link to other examples of bad parenting. I have always hated any examples of situations in which children are used as jokes. Children need and deserve respect and when adults post videos on youtube that are disrespectful it should cause all of us to rise up and complain. There should be a raft of comments criticizing these egregious posts.

Take a look for yourself.

All of these videos are examples of setting up innocent kids for the amusement of adults. Problem is, they are not funny and adults who are using kids in this fashion need to hear that what they are doing is unacceptable.

What do you think?

The person who sent this to me is Ashleigh Denton. Ashleigh Denton’s passion for people and art has lead her to pursue a career in writing. At this time, Ashleigh is working as a part-time writer for InsuranceQuotes.org

I am looking forward to going to Las Vegas in early March, to Ottawa in May, very possibly a trip to Calgary in the late Spring. I will be in Washington state and Oregon in August and Winnipeg in December. If you have an event around these time and would like to take advantage of my travels please contact me. I’d love to work with you.

Children of Divorce Benefit from Connection with Both Parents

Question:

I am separated from my daughter who just started Grade One. How can I get involved or help her with her schooling over the phone? I’m looking for ideas to get her to tell me about what she is learning.

Answer:

Keeping in touch with your daughter is the most effective tool you have.  She needs to know that although you’re not physically present you do care about her.  This alone will help her learn because she’ll be feeling positive about her relationship with you. When she can read and write you can add email and texts to your communication strategies.

Asking questions is the most tempting but usually ineffective way of getting information from children.  In the first place they don’t see their school day as a series of learning experiences so they’re not sure what you want to hear.  Also, let’s face it; some days are just routine, nothing outstandingly interesting happens.  So when you ask what she learned today and she says nothing the conversation hits a brick wall.

Some children feel interrogated by questions and are non-responsive. When we ask kids a bunch of questions about their day, they can feel as if they are in a witness box and there are right answers and wrong answers.

It’s much better to just converse and listen.  By simply listening to her, you will start to hear her use new words and phrases and notice her ability to express herself will slowly improve.  When you notice her using a new idea or talking about a new skill you can ask more.  Questions such as, what do you like best about adding? or do you have a favourite story? may encourage discussion.

Stay in touch with the school to find out what’s happening.

You may want to supplement your phone calls with email or using the regular post.  Send her books that you can then talk about over the phone.  Have her send you some of her schoolwork which you can assure her is proudly displayed on your fridge.

Knowing that you care about her and her education is the most important gift you can give her.